The Pit: Depression

It was a dark shadow that crept over me daily. The fog in my mind was thick with only brief moments of crisp light. Thinking in a straight line was out of the question. "What is wrong with me?"
Being tired and sleepy was a constant state of existence, regardless of how much sleep I got., I have infants and toddlers in my care, a house to keep & my husband is out of town a lot. "I'm smart and strong. Why can't I shake this?"
I'm moody for the first time in my life! "I don't like this!" And God forbid if I have to go over a bridge! I am in a total panic trying to figure out how I'm going to get the kids out of their car seats and save them when the bridge collapses. "I'm exhausted!"
I feel like I'm in a pool and I can't get my head above the water for air. I can see the sunlight, but I can't break the surface. "I'm a mess! "

"Did I lock the doors?" "Is the oven off?" "Dear God, please don't let Storm's plane crash!" "Did I lock the front door?" "I need to check the babies." "1-2-3-4-5"counting their breathing.... "Help me Jesus!"

This all began after the birth of our first child and continued through the births of our next 2 children. I went to doctors who tested my blood sugar--Nope that's fine. Some would say, "it's just the responsibility if parenting.." Nope!! This chick married at 18; travels the US; has three kids under 4 years of age; does the gypsy baseball life; handles responsibility just swell!
To look at me, you would've never known I was struggling. It all looked fine! I had 3 precious babes to take care of and I was doing the best I could everyday! I smiled, attended baseball wives functions, went to games, & took care of the Davis Family. Very few knew of my battle. Some were well meaning but clueless to help. They would ask me, "have you prayed today and read your Bible"---Nope---I can barely go to the bathroom by myself much less read anything. My devotion is a two minute snipet that I can grab while sitting in the potty. Do I pray??? All day! "God help me!"
The tears would pour down my face after one of these encounters. I felt like such a failure. I still believed it was all in my power to shake this thing. I didn't know I was broken.
God, through a series of events found a wise doctor, who asked me the right questions. After talking for a few minutes he looked at me and said words I'll never forget! "Angie, you have classical clinical post partum depression. I can help you. "
I began to cry...hard...this 'thing' had a name. I wasn't destined to be like this forever. It had a name and he could help me. Thank you Jesus.

The doctor put me on a medication. My arrogance raised it's head and I wanted to balk at needing such a thing. Storm, as he has done many times over the years...bless his heart.., gently takes me by the shoulders and looks me in the eyes and asks, "If you had an ear infection would you take an antibiotic? If your leg was broken would you wear a cast?" I nodded yes. "Babe, the chemicals in your brain are broken right now. Take your medicine." He was right. I was broken in a way that was very strange to me.
Being raised by a dad who required me to communicate in a logical manner, taught me to think quickly through most situations and talk circles around anybody. This Post partum depression had put static and sludge in my thought processes and hidden some of my vocabulary. It had also brought mood shifts that were on a constant pendulum.
Thankfully the medication began to work and I was no longer tired! My brain was not foggy or moody, and I could think in a straight line. My arrogance took a back seat and I knew help was exactly what I needed.

One day at a time!

Does the story end there? Am I without incident or issue? Is life peachy? Nope!
Have I learned that God never wastes anything in our lives? Do I know He is good? Yep!
One bonus from the journey is I have an inner sense when a person is struggling with depression. I get to tell them my story and let them know there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
God made us of 3 parts- body, mind/emotions, spirit. Each one can affect the other. While living in a world less than perfect our bodies and emotions can be trampled. Depression is a physical and emotional condition that needs treatment in both fields. It can affect anyone. It's a real condition and it has real solutions.
I am thankful for my time in The Pit. It has taught me so much! I am thankful for the friends who walked beside me and never judged me or found me wanting. I am most thankful for the amazing man I married! Storm never knew which "Angie" might greet him at the door when he got home, yet he never wavered in his love and tenderness to me. I know he prayed a lot! I know those road trips were a welcome break too! LOL! He has told me everyday for all our years together that he loves me! He's my rock!!
Thank you gentle Jesus for carrying me through The Pit. Thank you for your protection and healing grace. Thank you that you "restore the years of the locusts"! You are my King!